and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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