But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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