I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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