Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
