Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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