Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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