I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The power of my boobs compel you
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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