it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It's rum buckets o'clock
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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