I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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