Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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