Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
