I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
