There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
