i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
