Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
