party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
