dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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