he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
