420 ftw
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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