I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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