I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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