Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
