remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
ok first of all what the fuck
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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