theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
