He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
