five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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