i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
