I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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