mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
