i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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