after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
