if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
