I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
