My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
