She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm too high and old for this...
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
