Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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