Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
