I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
