Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
