i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
