Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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