mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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