I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
