My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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