Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
