Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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