She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
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