He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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