I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
