I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
