I want to make a zoo with you.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
