i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
