i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Of course I have a pirate flag
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
