I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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