that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
